Lenore and Tim Visit

Hello all, Ava here of course.  Today I’m going to tell you all about Lenore and Tim’s visit.  I wrote a series of experiences on an anonymous posting app, Lyf is you wanted to know.  So I’m cleaning them up a bit, adding some extra content and uploading them here.  So don’t be surprised if I do a little more explaining in each section, I’m mostly editing for readability but partly re-summarized each day.  

This post is mainly about a visit from Lenore and her husband Tim.  Here is my amazing experience.  

Pre-Visit

Tomorrow my girlfriend and her husband arrive. I’m so nervous but excited.

We’ve been sexual together once. About a year ago. That time her husband freaked out. We’ve all talked a lot, and I truly believe he likes my relationship with her. But there’s so much to talk about when they arrive.

At the end of the summer the four of us (my husband, gf, GF’s husband, myself) are going in vacation together. About a week in a private cabin. Should be fantastic fun.

I know some things will trigger my PTSD, but I’m trying not to be afraid of it. Since I started working on healing, triggering me can actually be productive (as long as it’s not too often). I can examine the panic attack and find the root. Some triggers I’ve actually healed, but certainly not all.

I decided to focus on other emotional issues in therapy yesterday because i didn’t want to increase my odds of panicking when they are here.

Day 1: Pre-Arrival

Today is the big day. I get to see my girlfriend for the first time in a year! Just under 8 hours!

I’m trying to curb my expectations, I know whatever will happen will be good. I just have so many fantasies and such little time. Plus her husband struggles with having a polyamorous relationship. He likes the idea, he likes us together, but he’s struggling internally. We’ve talked a lot about it. There will be a lot of conversation this visit. Probably a lot more than sex.

It really doesn’t help that my mother-in-law is living on our property. She lives in her RV here. She’s in our house everyday. The biggest issue with that is our house is a studio. It’s one room and a bathroom. We built something small for now, later we are building a larger house.

My girlfriend is a bit anxious about the mother-in-law situation.
1) It stresses me out because she’s judgmental and tries to “help” by moving all my things around and never remembering where she put them.
2) My girlfriend sees her as childish. She sometimes has acted fairly childishly to get attention.
But fortunately tomorrow Mother-in-law works. Friday too. So that helps.

Lenore’s mom is a sociopath. So she has trouble with maternal figures at times. She rarely trusts women, and neither do I much given who my abuser is. What’s funny is online women act just as entitled as men when they approach you. They can be very aggressive when hitting on you and lash out as much as guys when you shut it down. They act like you should be grateful for her attention and get offended if you don’t treat them any differently then you would a man hitting on you unwelcomed. It really sets off my PTSD. But some how they assume a woman can’t be abusive so everyone will be receptive.

Anyway, rambling aside, I’m excited and anxious.

Day 2 of the Visit

So last night the 4 of us talked a lot about boundaries and all kinds of things. Today I tried to initiate sex with my girlfriend and she shut it down.

She explained that she’s feeling weirdly emotional about it. I know it’s not anything I did, but being rejected (after several minutes of me trying to find words) has caused me to panic.

All my internal shame about being bisexual is spilling into my head all at once. I definitely feel like I deserve to be rejected and was stupid for considering it could be entertained as a thought.

I feel… Words are hard.

Let’s put it this way, I almost killed myself at 13 directly after she rejected me as a friend (being a middle schooler trying to be cool). It’s a bit emotional for me. But this is my issue, not hers. She’s allowed to reject me, to say no.

I need to work on my reaction. I didn’t lash out, I just shut down hard. Really hard.

Fortunately I am surrounded by people who love me. So I’m just trying to figure out how to feel it.

I’m on the couch, naked. My husband is naked in a cloth folding chair across the coffee table. My girlfriend is sitting to my right, fully clothed, and her husband is next to her naked. We are playing strip Monopoly. I’m already out of the game.

Her husband, Tim, suggested it after a few drinks. The rules? Each article of clothing is worth $500. You can cash it in for any reason.

While it’s been amusing, I find myself in an emotional pattern that was my existence in highschool and middle school. It’s strange. I can’t identify it very well.

Partly because Lenore is an attention magnet. It’s a desperate need for her a lot of the time, my husband is the same actually. But I am feeling this familiar ignored feeling, especially after being rejected earlier. It’s very much a behavioral pattern on her part that reminds me of high school again too.

I am not currently sure exactly what feelings are happening so I don’t know how to communicate those.

Day 3 of the Visit

Today was much better. Emotional sure, but more processing and fun. Vance took Tim to the store so Lenore and I could talk a bit.

It was good. She has some issues with sex, as do I, and I triggered hers a bit by being pretty direct.

I told her about finding myself feeling the same emotional pattern as high school and we talked a bit about it.

About this point I asked if she wanted to cuddle. So when our husbands came home we were cuddled on the couch. Fully clothed, just snuggles.

Later in the evening, after dinner, I initiated sex. My husband and I had discussed having sex in the same room as them. We were game. So with some prep we became sexual with our spouse.

Sadly my girlfriend scratched her clit or something and it hurt, which killed her ability to orgasm.

I, however, was able to. I totally didn’t expect to. After I came, the 4 of us laid in my bed, Lenore and I in the middle, and talked. Vance and I were naked, Lenore had put clothes on (panties and shirt) and Tim hadn’t fully undressed.

While talking Lenore and I got closer and I asked if she wanted to make out. She said yes, so we did. Tim caressed her, Vance caressed me.

While talking on and off, Tim shared that Lenore had mentioned, long before I knew I was bi, that she just wants to lick my breasts all over. So I invited her to. She nuzzled and licked my chest making cute little happy noises. Vance kissed my neck and ear at the same time, it was extremely erotic.

A bit later when we were dressed we had dessert, a birthday cake for Lenore. She told Vance (who made it), it was the second best thing she ever had in her mouth. I joked that the best was my boobs and she said yes. She loves how smooth and soft they are.

I didn’t panic today. It had some tense moments, but it was serious progress. ❤️❤️❤️

Day 4: Final Day of the Visit

Last night and this morning was wonderful.
Yesterday we threw a big party, friends and family here. It was exhusting and fun.

My husband spent most of the day smoking meat for the dinner. I did house prep and hanging out with Lenore and Tim inside.

After the party started our boyfriend, Jay, arrived. We were all drinking. It was fun. We had a fire pit going, s’mores, drinks, lots of talking and joking around. It was decided that Jay would stay over night ‘on the couch,’ in reality he slept in bed with Vance and myself.

But before bed, and after we shut down the party, the five of us were cuddled on the couch. I was in the middle between Jay and Lenore. My husband was next to Jay, and Tim next to Lenore.

It turned sexual pretty easily. Vance and Jay were caressing each other, started teasing me. I took my shirt and bra off, and was greeted by attention from Lenore, Jay, and Vance.

Tim and Lenore have a 247 Ds relationship. Lenore is extremely submissive. He pinned her down and started undressing her next to me. Every step of the way I asked permission from him for contact with her.

For her birthday I bought her a new vibrator, the same type that I introduced her to the first time we had sex. Tim and I moved her to the bed and I used it on her.

At the same time Vance and Jay were on the couch, Jay didn’t orgasm, but Vance did. I didn’t, and Lenore got so tired she couldn’t cum either. Vance had the only orgasm of 5 people.

It was 2 am when we went to bed. I was in the middle of the bed, Jay on one side, Vance on my other. We cuddled, I slept very lightly but it was so cozy.

Day 4 Part 2: Final Day of the Visit 

Today started out cuddly and sweet. Woke up and cuddled Jay as Vance started cooking.

After breakfast, where my husband’s family was here, Lenore and I cuddled on the couch.

One thing that has always been true between us is that Lenore and I really understand each other in a very intimate way. Other people read us differently, but we’ve always seen each other who who we are at the core. We cut through the bullshit. If I believed in Soul mates, she would definitely be a contender, my husband too, we just have innate understanding of each other.

Between my sexual repression towards women, and her emotional repression towards women we are a funny pair. We actually acknowledged years ago that there was romantic love between us, but saying I love you freaks both of us out. We’ve tried to push through it a bit, but I thought of something else we can say that will carry the same meaning for us: “I see you.”

It was always a relief when everyone told me I was a controlling bitch and Lenore would tell me they were wrong.

So Lenore: I see you. All of you.

Ava & Vance: Amorous Adventure (aka) Honeymoon

Vance and I, Ava, have finally taken a vacation. A honeymoon in time for our one year wedding anniversary. 

Honeymoon Night 1

I teased him for about 25 minutes, then I rode him. For the first time he came without thrusting into me at all. He held still and came as I fucked him. I hadn’t cum so I kept going until I did (didn’t take long, really got me going that he came)
He was so excited he cried out ‘holy fuck’ as I slide onto him.

Honeymoon Night 2

Today we went to an adult store. We had a few things in mind to look for. And the staff really helped. {Insert pics of the toys}

We set up the toys to charge before we used them. This way we wouldn’t have them die mid play.

We decided to have sex in the afternoon. I used my new bullet vibe on my clit, but every time I started to build something didn’t quite work and I couldn’t cum. This isn’t uncommon for me. 

Later, after dinner and having a chance to digest, Vance wasn’t up for round two, yet, so I set up the bed for bondage. I knew I wanted to try my new toy, the rabbit style vibe we got. To further set up, I started to look up erotic inspiration. I looked at a blog, listened to erotic stories (very short) in podcast form, and looked up porn.

I was so ready to go I started lightly touching myself. Vance remained engulfed with his laptop as I quietly and mildly came across the room from him. He never looked up.

When he was done with his laptop we went to the bed. I bound him arms spread apart on the upper part of the headboard. Reclining on two pillows, and his legs straight down bound by the ankles.

I set out to tease him with a show, I took out the rabbit vibe and laid in the bed playing with the settings. This would normally drive him insane. However he wasn’t actually feeling submissive at all. He was enjoying the bondage but wasn’t in the mood for all the teasing. 

Ultimately we fucked for a while, we kept not quite cumming. Vance did agree a bit, to my expert friendly hand. 

Honeymoon Night 3

We flirted throughout the day. Always a good lead up for sex. Initiating, I started by kissing Vance’s neck sensually. I let him know I was going to prep for sex and to come to bed in a few minutes. 

I put my new bullet vibe on low onto my clit, and laid on the bed. Then I opened pornhub to Men on Edge and found an inspiring video. Vance came to bed and cuddled up close to my nude body. When we found the right video I gently fondled his cock and balls. He put his hand on my mound, lightly moving his fingers sort of kneading my skin. I loved the sensation, especially combined with the vibrations on my clit. 

After a few minutes we were ready for penetration, no fingers before hand so my pussy was tight on his cock. He makes a very specific face of pleasure when penetrating me, and it’s more pronounced when his cock is the first thing to enter me that day. 

He began to thrust and I soon found myself unable to resist pumping my hips towards him at a pace that kept me building. I cried out with every thrust as his pace quickened, and asked for him to thrust a bit harder as I approached climax. I came, verbly telling him and begged him to cum in me, every thrust was causing the vibe to over stimulate my sensitive clit. He of course came fairly quickly for me. It wasn’t the most powerful orgasm for either of us, however it was pretty delightful sex. 

Vance Bound For Pleasure
Vance In Honeymoon Bondage

Honeymoon Night 4

We had a good day, but that even my pain got really high. We couldn’t have sex and Vance welcomed the break. 

Honeymoon Night 5

For some reason I couldn’t cum. Vance held the wand to my clit, and fingered me. I was writhing and moaning with pleasure, but I just couldn’t quite cum. We did fuck, and Vance actually came with a friendly hand. 

Honeymoon Night 6

Our final full day of our honeymoon, we had sex mid-afternoon. I was still unable to cum, I’m not a hundred percent sure why. I did enjoy myself. The sex wasn’t anything terribly special, it was vanilla-ish (we always are at least mentally non vanilla, as in what we talk about as we fuck).

We flirted and teased after that, the plan was to have sex again before bed. However it didn’t end up being sexy. One of those times where you’re just not in tune with your partner. 

Honeymoon Summary

  • Vance had 6 orgasms
  • Ava had 2 orgasms
  • We had sex 6 times in 6 days.

Losing My Lesbian Virginity To Lenore

Hello lovely readers! It’s been a while since I, Ava, sat down to actually update the blog. I do have some writings worked on, but my focus hasn’t been there for the final polishing (like adding links). So I apologize. This is a much awaited post. Lenore and I finally get some intimate time, my first time with a woman, my first kiss with one too. So get ready for some nervous lesbian loving.

Timid Touching

So we started with holding hands. I had to take anxiety medications to get to this point. I had to tell her I had wanted to hold her hand but literally couldn’t I move my hand from my body. She replied “I can do something about that” and took my hand. I drew comfort enough to ask her to kiss me (because I was frozen in fear). It was snugly, she likes to nuzzle.

I panicked and cried after kissing a bit. We kept pausing and talking between kissing. She was nervous she would break me, emotionally or physically. I realized a day or so ago that the fear that was causing panic was that fear of my own sexuality. If I give in to my desires I could ‘destroy everything’ was the thought, though I knew with my GF and husband that was completely not true.

Let’s Lose the Clothes

We moved from the living room to my bedroom. We began to remove clothes before getting on the bed. I felt both nervous and excited. It was different then the first time a man sees me naked, all of it feels different to some extent. What doesn’t feel different is my sexuality, I felt so natural.

I knew she liked my breasts, but it’s to the point of worship. I just wasn’t expecting that level of boob interest. Its something I never experienced. It was tender, flattering, and intensely intimate.

I had seen her naked once before, only when we were changing in the same room when we were young. I turned just as she pulled her jeans down, they caught her panties, pulling them down as well. At the time her pussy had a small patch of brown. That’s when I knew blonds were not blond in their pubic hair. Now however she prefers to stay clean shaven, something I have no preference for.

Her breasts are fairly small, especially compared to mine. She can shop at any store to find a bra that fits. They suit her petite frame.

Lesbian Liaison

We were both shocked just how comfortable we were. It was so organic and felt so right. We spent around 2 hours naked in bed. It was incredible.

She’s never cum with a new partner, but I got her to build several times, and even got her to stay at the edge of orgasm for at least 15 minutes. It was super intense.

Sadly I didn’t build at all, but her fingers are literally too short to reach my g spot. Which was disappointing to both of us. At the time I needed a surgery on my cervix, so anything more than a few inches wasn’t allowed to penetrate me. I don’t have any good shorter dildos.

I didn’t expect to cum at all because I knew my head wouldn’t be able to. But it was just wonderful.

Final Note:

I’m not done yet, but I want to recommend a book for those interesting in exploring. Honestly I think it can be useful for anyone who has sex with women. I’m not getting anything for recommending this, just honestly learned a lot and felt like sharing: The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us

​Healing after Surgery: Learning about myself

I, Ava, had surgery about 4 weeks ago, on my cervix. For those who know a little about anatomy, you can guess that to let it heal I was not allowed to orgasm for these 4 weeks. I have learned a few things. 

This is one reason I haven’t had much context lately. The other is general writer’s block.

  • When I’m ridiculously horny, I want to bottom.

This is always interesting since I’m not mentally submissive at all. I don’t have a sub space, but I do enjoy letting my partner control the pleasure on occasion.

  • While I am insatiable, I am typically wanting and ready to go, however I’m rarely horny.
  • I enjoy being sexual weather or not I am willing to orgasm.

I wanted to orgasm, so badly, but I wasn’t willing to. I wasn’t willing to screw this up and have to retry the surgery. Orgasm now is not greater than safely having penetrative sex again after 133 says without it.

What I’ve thought about most is the bottoming aspect. I enjoy the feeling of restraints. I don’t feel powerless though, I don’t feel like I’m submitting by letting my husband top me. I feel like I’m letting him either reward himself, or complete a task (pleasuring me).

I feel like I both understand my thoughts and feelings on this, and yet still feel confused. Now that it’s safe to orgasm again, we will see where my mind goes.
13 days (nearly 12) until safe penetration!!! 120 days without full penetrative sex. (Boo)
Here’s my boobs:

Here are my breasts, i am currently unsure of their size as I have given up on traditional bras and am only wearing sports bras for now.

Ava’s Life: Choose Your Own Disaster

I’m changing my life. This website, my current activities, I’m actively taking control of my life. I don’t have a history of being passive exactly, but I have hung my life on others before, waited for them. I’m not waiting for others anymore.

Vance and I are amazing. We actively work together. Everyday I feel more love for him, and I look him in the eyes, and I see he feels the same.

My plan

I’m working on formulating my new road map. I really want to make a difference. I need to. The possibilities are near endless, but the destination is the same. I really want to make a difference in the world. I will. If I shed light on what I went through, what so many have gone through, we have a chance to prevent the pain, the next generation has a chance.

People often tell me how strong I am. Yes, I am strong, but I wish that for five minutes I didn’t have to be. I wish I didn’t know my limits only from repeatedly being forced beyond them. I wish I didn’t know what it was like to bury aspects of yourself so deep, only intense therapy and life changes lets them out. If I could choose, I would pick an easier life. But I didn’t, and that’s the issue, we don’t get to choose.

I didn’t choose my DNA, I didn’t choose to have a “sister” that was socially and emotionally unequipped to treat me as an independent human being. I didn’t choose to have a mother who is a hoarder and a cancer survivor. No choice in worrying about my father, a volunteer firefighter. It was conflicting to be so proud and so anxious. I had no choice in my eldest sister abandoning me in order to cope with her own issues.

Blame

Please, don’t misread the last paragraph. That’s not the only way I see my family. They all have qualities I admire, except maybe Bitch. I resent her a lot currently. I hope to move past it one day, only time will tell.

So who do I blame? What do I blame? Do I accept personal responsibility? Or do I even have any in this?

I do my best to be logical with blame, cause and effect matter. I was born, my health is not great, short sightedly I could blame my mom, as she has the same genetic condition. However, she had two healthy children before me. Well, mostly healthy, neither are completely devoid of issues, but both are capable of physically working more than 30 hours a week. Maybe I should blame my ancestors, ones long before there was a true diagnosis for what I have. Probably a random mutation and the hypersensitivity can be beneficial, I can detect weather changes, minor changes in temperature, and I can tell you if there is mold or mildew in an area very easily.

Realism

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to be realistic. I can easily succumb to fears, doubts, and the overwhelming sense of truama I live with. But it isn’t helpful to do so. It doesn’t help anyone.  That’s important to me, helping.  I guess it’s one of the only things I can see to make life worth living. If I can make someone else’s life better I’m of value. Because without that I just feel like a burden.

I know my partners think that’s crazy. They see my worth.  But I’m not them, and it’s hard to see sometimes.

Quick updates:

I know the blog has been quiet. Honestly I’ve been rather overwhelmed and had writer’s block.

But here’s some things to look forward to:

  • I got to see Lenore!
  • We finished our move and we see Jay more!
  • We will have a real vacation in a few months!

    Set wet my readers!

    Hurdle Jumping: Ava Advances

    Hello my playful perverts, Ava here.  I know it’s been a little while, I have a few posts in the works.  But I finally felt inspiration to make some progress and write a post.  Hurdles, we all have them, especially when there’s been ongoing abuse or mental issues.  Conquering a hurdle can take many forms, at least this time is was joyous and sexy.

    My loving husband Vance and my beautiful girlfriend Lenore helped me over my latest hurdle.  A few weeks ago my bitch of a “sister” sent me an email.  After that, I have been unsettled.  I haven’t felt safe or focused.  We didn’t come up with a plan, this hurdle jumping was spontaneous.

    The Jump

    It had been a little bit since I had a long talk with Lenore.  We had missed each other the day before, so I knew I had about 45 minutes before Vance came home.  I went ahead and called Lenore to catch up.  I also hoped to flirt a bit, and was horny, so I used one of my vibrating bullets on my clitoris.

    Wearing a corset and panties I called my girlfriend.  We caught up a bit, and then Vance came home.  He entered the room and noticed the sound of the pulsing vibrator.  With much confusion he asked who I was talking to, and I explained.

    For a bit, he did his own thing, then came and laid next to me on the bed.  He had trouble resisting his sexy wife on the phone with her girlfriend half dressed.  Starting slow he touched my panties, manipulating the bullet and making me writhe.  I lightly giggled but didn’t let on what he was doing.  I did explain to Lenore that I was using a vibrator, she made a few flirty comments.

    Hurdle, Head Long into Excitement

    Vance decided to tease me and had me remove my panties.  Keeping the bullet in place, he started to finger me.  My breathing got heavy and he let his intention to make me moan for Lenore known.  I love it when he gets that determined, powerful, heavily sexual look in his blue eyes, they glow.  

    For a minute he removed the bullet and rubbed my clit with his thumb.  Sometimes his touch gets me off faster than the vibrator, sometimes I need vibration to make me cum.  I was nervous, but building towards orgasm.  Manually pleasuring me for a few minutes I thrashed around trying my best to hold the phone to my ear.  Realizing I wasn’t building to orgasm, Vance put the bullet back in place for the final moments.  I came hard on his fingers.

    Finishing Up The Call

    After I loudly came in Lenore’s ear, Vance removed his fingers and filled me with his cock, bullet still on my clit.  Ever thrust made me moan deeply into the phone.  Lenore’s breath sounded like she was trembling from excitement.  Vance focused and fucked me hard, cumming quickly from the excitement.

    Panting I checked in with Lenore.  She enjoyed every second.  My post orgasm glow continued longer than the phone call, and even persisted for over an hour.  That’s when I realized it wasn’t normal afterglow, I felt lighter and happier than I had in months.  

    Without trying to we took a huge step.  I feel safe, loved, and wanted by both Lenore and Vance.  Lenore promptly jumped her husband after the call, who had been naked while she paced on the phone.  If know we all look forward to this again.

    Cheers my horny readers, I need to make a phone call…

    Ava Explores Exhibitionism: First Nude Pics

    I, Ava, have resisted taking photos nude, my privates have always been covered near a camera, for 28 years. Today, March 30th 2017, I release to the world my first ever nude photos. I present them unedited, nude in every way.

    My Nude Self

    My sexuality terrifies me.  I’m afraid to be like my abuser, to be in touch, and to share it with the world, and yet every fiber of my being wants to do these things. As I have healed I’ve felt braver, I’ve confronted more. I’m excited to publish my first nude photos to the world. Vance took these simple, point and shoot, pictures. We didn’t do much prep, I just proposed the idea because I was ready.

    Without further delay:

    First Picture:

    Picture Two:

    Picture Three:

    Picture Four:

    Picture Five:

    My Nude Body

    One thing I strive for is honesty.  Many people like me because I’m very genuine. So, I have no filters, no editing aside from possibly cropping the picture, or perhaps changing the brightness of the photo.  I think it’s important to be completely real about this.

    I’m not the thinnest person, nor the largest, and I am comfortable with myself overall.  I could lose a little weight on my stomach and arms.  That’s it.  Those are all of my issues with my looks as far as shape.  I have a few extra pounds that I put on from medication.  I lost any chance of ever being called petite when my hips came in at 12.

    The only other thing I ever feel self conscious about is my skin.  I have a lot of breakouts, and I have done everything in my power to fight them.  Fibromyalgia, an autoimmune condition which is based in inflammation, is the root of my breakouts.  I cannot help but continuously break out when I’m in a flare, a period of increased symptoms.  My skin swells at the smallest touch sometimes.  Pressure marks can take more than 20 minutes to leave my skin.  Lenore can tell you how I broke out less in high school  than I do right now.

    The Adult Gallery has been updated to include the pictures above, and some new photos of Vance.

    Enjoy my dearies, I’ll be keeping the water warm.

    Bondage: Vance Teased With Pleasure

    Life tends to get in the way of some of the important things, like bondage.

    We are building our own house, so Vance has been extra busy both overseeing and doing his own work on some of the tasks. He has also been spending his time volunteering with a conference for his career. I really admire his passion and dedication, but I do wish we had more sex. We will in time though, we both know it, however I’m not always the most patient person.

    We finally had time for a proper play session.

    Bondage Finally!

    Vance lay in the center of the bed, arms straight out, then cuffed to the under bed restraint system. He spread his legs wide and I cuffed them as well. I placed the bridle/bit gag in his mouth, and firmly tightened it around his head. I took my blindfold and covered his eyes. The anticipation of his breath was intoxicating.

    Sitting naked next to him on the bed, I began messaging Jay and snapped a picture of my helpless mortal.
    I casually began running my fingers up and down his cock and balls, watching them tighten with excitement.

    Let’s get Sensual

    My lips were next, I leaned forward and began covering his cock with gentle kisses. His excitement was palpable. Vance has never made much precum, but several beads began seeping and built into a small stream down the head of his cock. My tongue started on his aching balls, and with steady strokes my tongue moved up his shaft, licking his oozing excitement from his tender skin. His precum is pleasantly mild, not too salty, and just the right texture.

    I pause for a moment and watch the anticipation build with each heart beat. He lightly whimpers for my touch.

    I pick up our lube bottle, it has a convenient pump for dispensing, and hold it above his slowly writhing cock.
    I anoint his cock with a slow depression of the pump, savoring his gasp. The sounds he makes, with lube being drizzled on his cock, are filled with lust, joy, and the agony of promised pleasure.

    Satisfied with the amount of lube rolling towards his balls, I set aside the bottle, and use one finger to spread the lube on his shaft. His breathe immediately catches in his throat, while his teeth bare harder on the rubber gag.

    I Get too Excited

    I shift and notice there’s a wet spot on the bed where I was. My body is lightly trembling with desire. I realize I’m too excited, he’s too excited, and I just want to jump him. In order to edge him, I have to pause stroking before he cums. However this time I have to pause after three to five strokes since he’s too close.

    I unhook his ankle restraints from the bed, and put his legs together and clip the leather cuffs. I find it most comfortable when his legs are pressed firmly together so I can straddle him. Riding Vance has never gotten him off, at least with me. The rhythm I need is not the same as his needs in this position. Typically this is very beneficial since I’m using him as my own dildo. This time though, he is desperate to cum, beyond his usual drive.

    I slide on his cock, groaning, my body trembles. My default is tight, each time we start sexually we begin with one finger, then two, and only then do we either go to three, toy, or cock. Vance loves to work me up sometimes with the first penetration being his cock for the sensation. As long as I’m excited enough, it works well, but I do love the lead up. Each time the first finger drives me wild. Being in bondage, I don’t allow Vance to finger me.

    Climax

    I start riding him, rocking my body hard on his cock, with a vibrator on my clit. He begins to call out “use me Goddess, I’m your human dildo, use me!” I came hard and fast. Then I stay in the same position, only leaning forward to kiss his nose.

    Vance, still in bondage, moves his knees apart and begins to thrust upward, biting down on the bit gag in his mouth and moaning. I can’t help but moan too at his deep thrusts. It doesn’t take him long to build and climax. I revel in feeling his pulsing cock inside me.

    When I move off of my husband there’s a river of fluids running down his hip onto the sheets.

    Cheers Dearies

    -Ava

    Healing, Health and Hindrance

    As discussed and referenced in many aspects of this blog, I, Ava, am healing from sexual trauma. I was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. I want to explore some of my current progress to my Healing, my emotional/mental Health, and how I’m dealing with triggers and repression my Hindrance.

    Let’s note that I planned on writing more here, but it’s been very difficult lately. So without further ado, I present my emotional progress as of February 2017.

    Trigger Warning

    I deeply discuss in this post some aspects of my abuse. I don’t want to force anyone to confront a trigger they are not prepared for, so consider that before reading. Also, I if you get any sexual pleasure from this post, keep it to yourself, I will not tolerate any fetishized version of my trauma. Thank you.

    Healing

    Healing is not easily measured, especially when repressed feelings and memories are at play. Progress is progress, but I get impatient I know. I do know that I’ve touched on another repressed memory, I had a clue there was another not too long ago, however I sadly confirmed this. Knowing I have another unknown is painful and brings fear. What could be worse than I have recovered? Does it have to be worse, because it feels like each memory recovered has been worse. Perhaps that’s more linear than my brain actually thinks, one can only hope.

    Summary

    I am active on fetlife and was contacted by a woman who identified strongly with what I wrote in my profile as her mother was her abuser. This is my second reply to her, and I like the way I summed up my recent thoughts.

    I know I’m doing well, I do get impatient but I can’t force my brain on this. I just confirmed in the last week that I have at least one more traumatic memory repressed. It was hinted at in a dream, but I definitely ran into the wall recently.

    I also was recognizing new layers of triggers where I’m just mentally blocked, like a quiet trigger, no panic, just can’t quite make it work there.
    I’m also now acutely aware that my sister bullied me until I cut ties with her last year. She abused me on every level and was offended by every personal boundary I’ve ever set near her. She would lash out. I’m still learning how to state a boundary and not get screamed at, belittled, or hit. She’s older, so it’s literally the only thing I ever knew, which you probably understand.

    Battles

    Yes, battles on my terms, taking it back, that’s what I’m trying to focus on now. When I faced a trigger last week (how I realized more was repressed) I realized making it my own, taking over and rewriting my history with the trigger would be best. I had done that on several levels by repressing the bad memories I was able to experience some of my firsts in my own way, my own memories, not the experiences I was traumatized by.

    Unfortunately a lot of kink quietly triggers me. My sister was into BDSM and a lot of my repression is around being exposed to certain aspects. It wasn’t like she played out full scenes, just exposure at a young age in an extremely unhealthy and welcomed way. So I can’t separate my desires and being triggered much. At least I’m finally healing.

    Health

    My brain has been in a dark area, and it’s not pleasant. Overall I’m doing well, it’s dark now, but I know it will get better. I’ve been on this ride a few times now. It’s strange to see how pervasive this abuse is, but honestly it’s just logical that I would be this deeply damaged. I feel like I’m getting past the meat of it, down to the bone. Is my foundation rotten?

    I love the metaphor that abuse is a festering wound. We must cut out the infection and sterilize the flesh. We can only see the true depth when the surface begins to heal. I hope it doesn’t go down the bone.

    Hindrance

    I feel demoralized by the realization that I have another repressed memory. It breaks my heart to know that there is more, that I still have things I can’t face.

    Currently, I’ve been extra shut down. With the stress of the current political climate, building a house as a couple, and my health being extra poor right now, I haven’t made much progress. I know every little bit is good, however I don’t feel like much has changed.

    I present the following list of my currently known abuse triggers.

    Triggers

      • Nipple Clamps
      • Masturbation in the Presence of Others
      • Masturbation while alone
      • Semi Specific References to Female Submission
      • Tampons
      • Receiving Oral Sex
      • Binder Clips

    Even just sitting on the table.

    Trauma Writing: Brief Update

    I’ve been hoping to have a profound post here, but I’m a bit stuck. I’ve worked on it over and over, but writing about trauma is rather a fragmented process.

    Trigger Warning

    I deeply discuss in this post some aspects of my abuse. I don’t want to force anyone to confront a trigger they are not prepared for, so consider that before reading. Also, I if you get any sexual pleasure from this post, keep it to yourself, I will not tolerate any fetishized version of my trauma. Thank you.

    Trauma

    There was a quote I heard recently about trauma being a break in the linear story of your life. It’s something to think about. The continuity of life is disrupted.

    As I go into on my about me page, I was abused by my sister over 8 years. I’m finally healing and recovering memories, I didn’t repress it all, however I did repress the worst bits.

    I was over exposed to not only her body as she was a nudist (screaming if I looked away), but her sexuality, and what she decided she knew about mine. She made me touch myself in front of her to “teach” me and told me about BDSM when I was too young. She sexually violated me in a few ways, they are vague, nonlinear, but vivid in and odd mix of details. Most of the traumatic memories I have recovered in my life are broken, yet typically there is enough details to confirm their reality. I have had one false memory, I think a nightmare I had later, creep in. However I did my validation check on it, and the details didn’t add up.

    In the nightmare memory I was under a blanket that I never owned, didn’t grow up with, on a bed that I did grow up on. It was my ex’s blanket. My trauma with him, while wasn’t rape or sexual, has been linked in my brain. It’s painful to say the least. I’m tired, I’m sick of remembering and thinking about this everyday. I don’t want her or him in my brain anymore. But that’s not how life works, not how memories work.

    Summary

    I want to sleep well again, if I ever did. My first occurrence of PTSD and repressed memories happened when I was five, few years before the abuse. I had an accident and had to be put back together, I felt everything. Numbing agents don’t work on me.

    I’ve been a live wire to pain ever since, both emotional and physical.

    On that depressing note I’m stepping off this post. I know, it’s not sexy or fun like most are, however it’s a part of my sexuality. My triggers are many and I want none. One day hopefully I will succeed.