Hello there, I’m Ava. I am a very sexual 29 year old.
Connect with me on fetlife by finding my sexual profile, SensualAva. Message me before any friend requests I like those to be people I feel are friends!
I’m about 5’9″, considered very curvy, my bust was 36H which is hard to believe and has grown another 2 inches, I never shave my bush which is a coppery red. My eyes won’t be seen here, but I get a lot of compliments on my hazel eyes. My hair is considered an auburn version of red, and I love to wear it short. I used to have long hair, but it wasn’t me.
Table of Page Content
Current Sexual Stats
- Number of Humans I’ve been sexually Attracted to: 17
- Men who have seen me naked in person: 6
- Women who have seen me naked in person: 1
- Men I’ve given oral: 7
- Women I’ve given oral: 1
- Men I’ve received oral: 5
- Women I’ve received oral: 1
- Men I’ve made out with: 10
- Women I’ve made out with: 1
- People I currently wish I could fuck (and have not… yet): 1
- Time’s I have taken a Straight Virginity: 2
Until I met Vance, I had repressed a lot of my fantasies. I considered myself sexually confident. Never afraid to have sex in the light, I knew a lot of my likes, dislikes, desires, and most importantly I knew how to speak up about what I want.
I had never met anyone I matched up with so well sexually. We had similar or overlapping desires, a need to please, we are both GGG and creative in the bedroom. I had never thought I felt insecure in any part of my sexuality. But over the first 6 months of my relationship I couldn’t have been more wrong.
First Insecurity
Sexual Abuse.
Emotional, not physical directly… is what I thought for years. Since starting this blog I recovered the truth. There were some physical explorations.
It started shortly after I turned 7. One of my sisters, 3 years older than me so 10 at this point…. Let’s call her Bitch. Bitch had social issues. Similar to me, she is hyper-sexual. Shortly after I turned 7 she decided I was old enough to know what sex was, because when Bitch was 7 she walked in on my parents having sex.
She teased me with information, and as any child at age 7, I was curious. I didn’t understand the point of sex, I didn’t get why she cared about it, or why my parents had it. I knew married couples spent private time in their bedrooms, I had seen as much with my own parents and on TV, but I had never considered that time mattered except that’s what happy married people did.
Background of Bitch
Bitch was an unpopular child. She was socially awkward and lonely. As her sister I felt guilty if I tried to ignore her, some how I felt responsible for her even though I was younger. Knowing if I didn’t spend time with her she would be depressed caused me great anxiety, I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her.
I wish I had known, I wish I had gone to my parents, but I never did. I never spoke up until years later. They knew something was going on, but they had no idea how extensive it was and at this point they still don’t know the depth and breathe of the situation.
I think it’s best if rather than a narration at this point, I make a list.
Things Bitch Showed Me
- Nudism
- Dog performing oral on her.
- Pictures of her vagina
- What BDSM was
- Her masturbation
- Masturbation, and made me try it in front of her
- Binder clip used as Nipple Clamps she wore around the house
- A BF she made up for a novel
- That “BF” was real and I was a horrible person
- How women should be slaves
- Pulling out her full tampon in her bedroom
- Leaving her used tampons lying around
- Underwear wasn’t for her
- The proper reaction to dating Rejection is attempted suicide
- Hot Wheels are for Rolling on Genitals with the Neighbor Boy
We stayed up late playing make believe, we played with stuffed toys and dolls like any little girls our age would. However it always became dark and perverse. As I am able to examine the twisted stories I contributed to I begin to see the seeds of both my bisexual sides and my dominant side. I repressed these areas of my sexuality, along with exhibitionism, to reject any association in my brain between Bitch and my sexuality.
Stream Of Conciseness Ramble Below
I confront my fears. I hold the tears. The brain it cannot recall, that which redefines it all. My one cling of justification. My one amalgamation, I cannot let go. I wish, the flesh of a barbie, I could not remember, the skin that was so tender suddenly sticky. Sickly sticky, sickly sweet, though a musk all over her feet. Barbie was used, but still I confuse, the reality with a nightmare, or maybe the nightmare is the real, the denial is the dream. I do not know, I cannot even go there, but vivid thoughts swirl. I was molested, but never was ingested, I wasn’t touched, but I was forced to partake. Help my sister, the bitch who keeps me awake. I feel like I know her wet. But how can that be met, I did not, would not, or was I trapped?
I wrote this stream of conciseness after Vance went to bed recently. I have been struggling with repressed memories of what my sister did. Confrontation time; I have vague memories of my sister forcing me to interact with her physically. It is unclear how direct this interaction was, or if it was only a nightmare triggered by my fear of what could be.
Denial is a powerful thing. And it’s only truly useful in case of emergency, a way to push off an emotional reaction until you can let your guard down again. Of course my denial starred at age 7 continuously until age 15. Eight years of denial and repression isn’t undone over night.
Road to Sexual Recovery
I cry sometimes about Bitch’s influence over me. One night I was cuddled into Vance’s arms, how I adore him holding me, and I cried about my sexual denials. I stripped away aspects of myself, sacrificed them on the alter of my sister’s ego. I altered my desires, my sexuality, denied and abused aspects of myself because I knew if I did not my sister could take her own life. Knowing this at 7 years old, long before I ever heard of suicide, isn’t something a child should know. This wasn’t what I should have felt responsible for as a child.
I alienated my bisexuality in order to accommodate her madness, I could not separate my sexual desires from Bitch’s perverse need to share with me. There was no way I could accept my dominant side, I felt like I would be giving her what she wanted. When Bitch did get what she wanted things only got worse, I’m so glad I knew this and never tried to Dom her in an attempt to appease her.
Thankless Tasks
Bitch has never thanked me, she has no idea how much I destroyed so she could live. I do plan on telling her, copy and paste this if I need to, one day when I’m older. The day these thoughts don’t hold this much power over me, then I will tell her. She did thank me for one act. When she was a teen I found a video she had in her bedside table, a VHS labeled “For my master, his right and privilege,” she had made a video of touching herself and planned on sending it to the 56 year old Dom. Side note, she was no older than 17, and my father was 51 I believe.
The existence of this video weighed heavily on me. Within a day or two of it’s discovery I went into her room when she was occupied, perhaps watching tv or on the computer with the dial-up internet to talk to the asshole she made the video for. I took the video, did not want to hide it in my room, I never wanted to see it again. Somehow destroying it outright felt like a violation too. So I hide it in my two sister’s closet. It was a large closet, I remember hiding it on the top shelf. Shoving it behind several boxes my oldest sister had left packed when she left for college, I felt more at ease.
Small Gesture
A few years ago, after college, but before I moved out of state, Bitch and I were looking for a few things in that closet. We uncovered the VHS after a decade. She was shocked to find it, and I admitted I had hidden it away. She looked at me and thanked me. Always belittling and resenting me for trying to take care of her, but I saved her fucking life, she finally thanked me for a small act. Obviously I didn’t hold the power over her life and death that directly. But there are no doubts that had I abandoned her too, she would have hurt herself more.
Ava’s Sexual Desires
I am going to create a list of my sexual fantasies, dos and don’t of my sexuality. Expect this list to change. I am not a static person.
Desires
- Being Tied Up
- Doing the Tying
- Fucking Machine (operator or receiver)
- Using a Strap-on
- Controlling a Chastity Cage
- Forced Orgasms (Giving and Receiving)
- Edging
- Sex Swings
This is a long and emotional process for me, so forgive me if it takes time to write this out.
Ava Out.