Wanderer is five years older than me. She also has red hair. She has two daughters now. While being a type A personality, Wanderer is also selfish as a survival mechanism. There is a certain amount of understanding I have for that. However a lot of it has been to my direct pain.
She never intends on hurting anyone, however she has chosen to ignore and abandon me repeatedly. She tries to smile her way back in, mostly she feels guilty more than wanting to know me. Until I was 20 we didn’t have much of a relationship. At the time I was with my ex fiance, she married her first love so we bonded over it. When he dumped me, she lived 30 minutes away, and during the 4 months I had to stay there, I saw her twice, that was all.
She’s a perfectionist, very visual and cares about how people view her, has an image of what would be perfect for her life and won’t settle for less, doesn’t care about my dreams, retroactively acts like she believed my pain and issues my whole life which is a lie. She probably rewrote her memory. She abandoned me to Bitch. I was fed to her so wanderer didn’t have to deal.
She was the only one with any clue, and she just stayed out of it. She had the opportunity to speak up for the voiceless child I was and she never did. She never tried. She left me to her. She fucking left me to kill myself to save BITCH who didn’t fucking deserve me. She will never deserve me.
She was the only one. My only chance. She kept her head down and let it happen. She was my only chance. MY ONLY Chance. She rejected me at every turn. I needed her. I needed someone to notice. She was my only chance. She did nothing, absolutely nothing. Why didn’t she talk to my parents? There has to be a reason. Does she have the same twisted loyalty that kills our emotional health? The family loyalty that is illogical and painful? I killed part of myself, lamb to the slaughter, and she kept her head down and missed the years of pain.
She left me on the alter, she didn’t intervene when BITCH was hurting herself. I sacrificed my childhood and Wanderer couldn’t be bothered.
Reality
I do have issues with wanderer, however I know she had her own relationships to work on, her own toxic ties to cut. She has apologized that she was not there for me, and makes no promises she can’t keep for the future. That, in all reality, is all I want. I want a better relationship with her, however she has a very different life than I do, we have different priorities. I know going forward we should be able to have an honest relationship.