As discussed and referenced in many aspects of this blog, I, Ava, am healing from sexual trauma. I was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. I want to explore some of my current progress to my Healing, my emotional/mental Health, and how I’m dealing with triggers and repression my Hindrance.

Let’s note that I planned on writing more here, but it’s been very difficult lately. So without further ado, I present my emotional progress as of February 2017.

Trigger Warning

I deeply discuss in this post some aspects of my abuse. I don’t want to force anyone to confront a trigger they are not prepared for, so consider that before reading. Also, I if you get any sexual pleasure from this post, keep it to yourself, I will not tolerate any fetishized version of my trauma. Thank you.

Healing

Healing is not easily measured, especially when repressed feelings and memories are at play. Progress is progress, but I get impatient I know. I do know that I’ve touched on another repressed memory, I had a clue there was another not too long ago, however I sadly confirmed this. Knowing I have another unknown is painful and brings fear. What could be worse than I have recovered? Does it have to be worse, because it feels like each memory recovered has been worse. Perhaps that’s more linear than my brain actually thinks, one can only hope.

Summary

I am active on fetlife and was contacted by a woman who identified strongly with what I wrote in my profile as her mother was her abuser. This is my second reply to her, and I like the way I summed up my recent thoughts.

I know I’m doing well, I do get impatient but I can’t force my brain on this. I just confirmed in the last week that I have at least one more traumatic memory repressed. It was hinted at in a dream, but I definitely ran into the wall recently.

I also was recognizing new layers of triggers where I’m just mentally blocked, like a quiet trigger, no panic, just can’t quite make it work there.
I’m also now acutely aware that my sister bullied me until I cut ties with her last year. She abused me on every level and was offended by every personal boundary I’ve ever set near her. She would lash out. I’m still learning how to state a boundary and not get screamed at, belittled, or hit. She’s older, so it’s literally the only thing I ever knew, which you probably understand.

Battles

Yes, battles on my terms, taking it back, that’s what I’m trying to focus on now. When I faced a trigger last week (how I realized more was repressed) I realized making it my own, taking over and rewriting my history with the trigger would be best. I had done that on several levels by repressing the bad memories I was able to experience some of my firsts in my own way, my own memories, not the experiences I was traumatized by.

Unfortunately a lot of kink quietly triggers me. My sister was into BDSM and a lot of my repression is around being exposed to certain aspects. It wasn’t like she played out full scenes, just exposure at a young age in an extremely unhealthy and welcomed way. So I can’t separate my desires and being triggered much. At least I’m finally healing.

Health

My brain has been in a dark area, and it’s not pleasant. Overall I’m doing well, it’s dark now, but I know it will get better. I’ve been on this ride a few times now. It’s strange to see how pervasive this abuse is, but honestly it’s just logical that I would be this deeply damaged. I feel like I’m getting past the meat of it, down to the bone. Is my foundation rotten?

I love the metaphor that abuse is a festering wound. We must cut out the infection and sterilize the flesh. We can only see the true depth when the surface begins to heal. I hope it doesn’t go down the bone.

Hindrance

I feel demoralized by the realization that I have another repressed memory. It breaks my heart to know that there is more, that I still have things I can’t face.

Currently, I’ve been extra shut down. With the stress of the current political climate, building a house as a couple, and my health being extra poor right now, I haven’t made much progress. I know every little bit is good, however I don’t feel like much has changed.

I present the following list of my currently known abuse triggers.

Triggers

• Nipple Clamps
• Masturbation in the Presence of Others
• Masturbation while alone
• Semi Specific References to Female Submission
• Tampons
• Receiving Oral Sex
• Binder Clips

Even just sitting on the table.