Hello all, Ava here of course. Today I’m going to tell you all about Lenore and Tim’s visit. I wrote a series of experiences on an anonymous posting app, Lyf is you wanted to know. So I’m cleaning them up a bit, adding some extra content and uploading them here. So don’t be surprised if I do a little more explaining in each section, I’m mostly editing for readability but partly re-summarized each day.
This post is mainly about a visit from Lenore and her husband Tim. Here is my amazing experience.
Pre-Visit
Tomorrow my girlfriend and her husband arrive. I’m so nervous but excited.
We’ve been sexual together once. About a year ago. That time her husband freaked out. We’ve all talked a lot, and I truly believe he likes my relationship with her. But there’s so much to talk about when they arrive.
At the end of the summer the four of us (my husband, gf, GF’s husband, myself) are going in vacation together. About a week in a private cabin. Should be fantastic fun.
I know some things will trigger my PTSD, but I’m trying not to be afraid of it. Since I started working on healing, triggering me can actually be productive (as long as it’s not too often). I can examine the panic attack and find the root. Some triggers I’ve actually healed, but certainly not all.
I decided to focus on other emotional issues in therapy yesterday because i didn’t want to increase my odds of panicking when they are here.
Day 1: Pre-Arrival
Today is the big day. I get to see my girlfriend for the first time in a year! Just under 8 hours!
I’m trying to curb my expectations, I know whatever will happen will be good. I just have so many fantasies and such little time. Plus her husband struggles with having a polyamorous relationship. He likes the idea, he likes us together, but he’s struggling internally. We’ve talked a lot about it. There will be a lot of conversation this visit. Probably a lot more than sex.
It really doesn’t help that my mother-in-law is living on our property. She lives in her RV here. She’s in our house everyday. The biggest issue with that is our house is a studio. It’s one room and a bathroom. We built something small for now, later we are building a larger house.
My girlfriend is a bit anxious about the mother-in-law situation.
1) It stresses me out because she’s judgmental and tries to “help” by moving all my things around and never remembering where she put them.
2) My girlfriend sees her as childish. She sometimes has acted fairly childishly to get attention.
But fortunately tomorrow Mother-in-law works. Friday too. So that helps.
Lenore’s mom is a sociopath. So she has trouble with maternal figures at times. She rarely trusts women, and neither do I much given who my abuser is. What’s funny is online women act just as entitled as men when they approach you. They can be very aggressive when hitting on you and lash out as much as guys when you shut it down. They act like you should be grateful for her attention and get offended if you don’t treat them any differently then you would a man hitting on you unwelcomed. It really sets off my PTSD. But some how they assume a woman can’t be abusive so everyone will be receptive.
Anyway, rambling aside, I’m excited and anxious.
Day 2 of the Visit
So last night the 4 of us talked a lot about boundaries and all kinds of things. Today I tried to initiate sex with my girlfriend and she shut it down.
She explained that she’s feeling weirdly emotional about it. I know it’s not anything I did, but being rejected (after several minutes of me trying to find words) has caused me to panic.
All my internal shame about being bisexual is spilling into my head all at once. I definitely feel like I deserve to be rejected and was stupid for considering it could be entertained as a thought.
I feel… Words are hard.
Let’s put it this way, I almost killed myself at 13 directly after she rejected me as a friend (being a middle schooler trying to be cool). It’s a bit emotional for me. But this is my issue, not hers. She’s allowed to reject me, to say no.
I need to work on my reaction. I didn’t lash out, I just shut down hard. Really hard.
Fortunately I am surrounded by people who love me. So I’m just trying to figure out how to feel it.
I’m on the couch, naked. My husband is naked in a cloth folding chair across the coffee table. My girlfriend is sitting to my right, fully clothed, and her husband is next to her naked. We are playing strip Monopoly. I’m already out of the game.
Her husband, Tim, suggested it after a few drinks. The rules? Each article of clothing is worth $500. You can cash it in for any reason.
While it’s been amusing, I find myself in an emotional pattern that was my existence in highschool and middle school. It’s strange. I can’t identify it very well.
Partly because Lenore is an attention magnet. It’s a desperate need for her a lot of the time, my husband is the same actually. But I am feeling this familiar ignored feeling, especially after being rejected earlier. It’s very much a behavioral pattern on her part that reminds me of high school again too.
I am not currently sure exactly what feelings are happening so I don’t know how to communicate those.
Day 3 of the Visit
Today was much better. Emotional sure, but more processing and fun. Vance took Tim to the store so Lenore and I could talk a bit.
It was good. She has some issues with sex, as do I, and I triggered hers a bit by being pretty direct.
I told her about finding myself feeling the same emotional pattern as high school and we talked a bit about it.
About this point I asked if she wanted to cuddle. So when our husbands came home we were cuddled on the couch. Fully clothed, just snuggles.
Later in the evening, after dinner, I initiated sex. My husband and I had discussed having sex in the same room as them. We were game. So with some prep we became sexual with our spouse.
Sadly my girlfriend scratched her clit or something and it hurt, which killed her ability to orgasm.
I, however, was able to. I totally didn’t expect to. After I came, the 4 of us laid in my bed, Lenore and I in the middle, and talked. Vance and I were naked, Lenore had put clothes on (panties and shirt) and Tim hadn’t fully undressed.
While talking Lenore and I got closer and I asked if she wanted to make out. She said yes, so we did. Tim caressed her, Vance caressed me.
While talking on and off, Tim shared that Lenore had mentioned, long before I knew I was bi, that she just wants to lick my breasts all over. So I invited her to. She nuzzled and licked my chest making cute little happy noises. Vance kissed my neck and ear at the same time, it was extremely erotic.
A bit later when we were dressed we had dessert, a birthday cake for Lenore. She told Vance (who made it), it was the second best thing she ever had in her mouth. I joked that the best was my boobs and she said yes. She loves how smooth and soft they are.
I didn’t panic today. It had some tense moments, but it was serious progress. ❤️❤️❤️
Day 4: Final Day of the Visit
Last night and this morning was wonderful.
Yesterday we threw a big party, friends and family here. It was exhusting and fun.
My husband spent most of the day smoking meat for the dinner. I did house prep and hanging out with Lenore and Tim inside.
After the party started our boyfriend, Jay, arrived. We were all drinking. It was fun. We had a fire pit going, s’mores, drinks, lots of talking and joking around. It was decided that Jay would stay over night ‘on the couch,’ in reality he slept in bed with Vance and myself.
But before bed, and after we shut down the party, the five of us were cuddled on the couch. I was in the middle between Jay and Lenore. My husband was next to Jay, and Tim next to Lenore.
It turned sexual pretty easily. Vance and Jay were caressing each other, started teasing me. I took my shirt and bra off, and was greeted by attention from Lenore, Jay, and Vance.
Tim and Lenore have a 247 Ds relationship. Lenore is extremely submissive. He pinned her down and started undressing her next to me. Every step of the way I asked permission from him for contact with her.
For her birthday I bought her a new vibrator, the same type that I introduced her to the first time we had sex. Tim and I moved her to the bed and I used it on her.
At the same time Vance and Jay were on the couch, Jay didn’t orgasm, but Vance did. I didn’t, and Lenore got so tired she couldn’t cum either. Vance had the only orgasm of 5 people.
It was 2 am when we went to bed. I was in the middle of the bed, Jay on one side, Vance on my other. We cuddled, I slept very lightly but it was so cozy.
Day 4 Part 2: Final Day of the Visit
Today started out cuddly and sweet. Woke up and cuddled Jay as Vance started cooking.
After breakfast, where my husband’s family was here, Lenore and I cuddled on the couch.
One thing that has always been true between us is that Lenore and I really understand each other in a very intimate way. Other people read us differently, but we’ve always seen each other who who we are at the core. We cut through the bullshit. If I believed in Soul mates, she would definitely be a contender, my husband too, we just have innate understanding of each other.
Between my sexual repression towards women, and her emotional repression towards women we are a funny pair. We actually acknowledged years ago that there was romantic love between us, but saying I love you freaks both of us out. We’ve tried to push through it a bit, but I thought of something else we can say that will carry the same meaning for us: “I see you.”
It was always a relief when everyone told me I was a controlling bitch and Lenore would tell me they were wrong.
So Lenore: I see you. All of you.