On September 1st of 2016 I, Ava, wrote a post about our journey into non-monogamy, including our rules/agreements. After 3 years, we are still very much non-monogamous, specifically polyamorous, but of course things change. So I thought it would be good to do an overview of the rule evolution that has occurred in the last 3 years.
Rephrasing Each Rule
Originally I called our agreements rules. Honestly, they aren’t. At this point, they are just guidelines with both agree to. In a lot of poly circles rules are about controlling someone else’s behavior. Which isn’t what Vance or I are going for. I would say most of these come down to basic communication and respect. A good overview on rules, boundaries and agreements is covered in this episode of the Multiamory podcast and this episode of Polyamory Weekly.
Original Rule 1: Complete Honesty
I am usually only bothered by the feeling of missing out. As a scientist I can’t stand not knowing something, especially when I can tell it’s being kept from me. To prevent this emotional reaction, Vance needs to be completely candid with me. This way I can enjoy his excitement, his pleasures and experiences as well.
Ava 2016
This one hasn’t really changed for me. I’m a big believer in communication and your right to share your own experience. I only ever hide things from my partners that are temporary, like a surprise. Keeping someone’s confidence is fine, if that doesn’t directly impact my relationship with a partner. An example: Say Lenore tells me she hates her boss. Unless that leads her to quit or otherwise change her life, that isn’t necessary for Vance to know. I wouldn’t go out of my way to hide it, but it’s not something that would likely come up .
Original Rule 2: Law of Undiminished Sex
I’m not worried about anyone stealing away Vance, we have a very solid relationship. However, I do not want our sex lives to diminish, this should enhance our lives together. Perhaps provide something I cannot offer, like a real cock or kink I can’t wrap my head around (none so far, but always possible). I expect to be Vance’s primary, his first choice, as long as we are not in a poly-fidelity or traid relationship. He expects the same from me.
Ava 2016
This one has evolved. Vance is very set in having a primary dynamic. I’m not as much. We are open to that evolving with time, but I’m more egalitarian than I was at first. Also, we have 0 desires to ever be in a closed poly relationship. If I ever decide not to pursue anymore relationships, great, I’m not open anymore, but I would never ask a partner to permanently close that door. I could see asking them to pause seeking new partners for a time, but it would be temporary. I don’t want to control my partners in that way.
The primary versus egalitarian polyamory is interesting. For now, there’s no major struggle, but I can see it being a point of contention between Vance and me in the future. I certainly don’t want it to be, but it’s a fundamental difference. It was very interesting, when we went on vacation with Tim and Lenore, Vance struggled at feeling less than, while simultaneously pushing me to spend time with Lenore while we were able. 0
Original Rule 3: Respect A Boundary
It’s a big deal to me if I set a limit. I am pretty open if you can make a logical argument, or I have no logical argument to stand on. But if I do say, please don’t have sexual contact with anyone this weekend, I expect there to be no slip ups
Ava 2016
This one mostly came out of a place of insecurity. There are very few situations where I can imagine doing this again. But it’s similar to the previous rule where I put something in place temporarily. It’s a stop gap measure really, and one I don’t plan on relying on.
Original Rule 4: Limit Casual Contact
I’m far more comfortable with the idea of Vance fooling around with a friend, say Jay, then a random stranger. A stranger’s health is unknown, emotional state is unknown, and level of their future presence in our life is unpredictable. This is full sexual contact though. I think if Vance had a few drinks and made out with someone at a party, as long as there was no drama, it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve never done this myself, but I can see how it could happen.
Ava 2016
I still feel this way, but Vance has not pursued any hookups since we’ve been together. In his past he did a few, actually went on craigslist personals. I find that kinda hot, while I also don’t really want that to happen now. I’m weird, I know. I would feel better if I vetted someone for him, then they hooked up. This hasn’t happened though.
Original Rule 5: I can Add Anyone To a DO NOT FUCK List (DNFL)
I reserve the right to exclude someone from sexual contact within our relationship. For example, my sisters are on that list, which is fairly obvious. I have some friends that I don’t think could emotionally handle having a friend with benefits or playmate. At this point no one aside from family is explicitly on my DNFL, but I’m sure we will meet people to be added.
Ava 2016
We still have this agreement. In 3 years the list hasn’t changed, it’s basically family and coworkers. Which is hard because I’ve been crushing on a close coworker of mine. But there are a few reasons why I cannot pursue a relationship with her. First, I am one of five employees. So if it went badly, there would literally be no way to get space from each other. Second, she’s monogamous and asexual, at least that’s what her dating profile says. She is lesbian, so I’m not guessing her orientation. But I would struggle to date someone who is asexual. Sex is a huge part of intimacy for me, and if I was the only one initiating every time, my self worth plummets. I’ve had that in past relationships and it just shreds me emotionally. So unless it unfolded naturally, I won’t purse someone who identifies as asexual.
Unlisted Rule: No surprise overnights
I really thought I had written this rule in the first post. Apparently not. Basically Vance and I are both planners, and we both want each other to come home, unless we’ve planned ahead. It’s a pretty simple rule we both agree to. It’s not that overnights can’t happen, just that they must be scheduled.