Table of listed Poems linked in the page.
Transformation
My childhood home
an empty vessel
only stale air remains
stale memories
The beauty and the wonder
are overgrown
trained to ignore
I take a breathe and exist
My childhood home
The second
a filled vessel
So much more than stale air
bad memories
not caused by the life
but by the missed chances
My young adult home
the freedom
the choice
the metamorphosis
Every interaction leaves me changed
we are chemicals
changed for ever
affecting the very air we breath
converting to poison
but some is more beautiful than others
Returning is always different
disillusioned
yet comforted
magic uncovered in a place so known
magic was un-fathomed
we knew it all
but missed everything
Would I
Should I have
Could I have
Probably not
The nets of safety
enthrall us all
why change what works
why rock the boat
illusion-airy happiness
filled with loneliness and longing
left aching and paining
Now I want to reconnect
with my roots
my caterpillar
wrong turns acknowledged
mistakes taken and processing
Each moment
transformations occur
time may be relative
what’s missed is the relativity of life
Passing
Fleeting
Changing in increments immeasurably short
that fleeting moment
that last breath
before the change
before the plunge
it can last for eternity
the plunge
spreads from toes
sliding ice crawls up legs
muscles retract in the knees
thighs cry out warning of the cold
when the ice infects the warm wet where my legs met
I know I will never be the same
at this point the plunge becomes the plummet
faster the ice draws in my body
faster than the signals can be sent
all arriving at the head at once
freezing my thoughts
my processes
heart in limbo
lungs unable to inhale the ice
the plunge has taken me
inserting itself in every orifice that opens
mouth gapes to cry
but it’s too late
ice pours in
freezes my stomach in place
lungs burn in the cold
breathless
speechless
ice violates my hips
the change inserts itself deep and cold
unwanted, unstopped
frozen from the inside
the worst has happened
than the instant is over
the ice dissipates
only evidence of the plunge is the feeling of frozen
My view
my depth
my essence
do not exist the same
never can again
even if the act is reversed
some chemical reactions leave you forever changed
Some experiences leave you in doubt
in fear
in panic
but also in strength
the freedom dawns
the trade offs are open
Forever changed
I transverse the map of my life
physical and emotional
questioning as I am trained and want to do
Discoveries unexpected
but not all unpleasant
pure happy moments hidden in the dark
only questions become self trust
I misstep before
the freezing still affecting every muscle
steps unsure
legs quiver
sometimes pleasure
sometimes fear
hidden aspects revealed
I expose my true self to the world
unsure that I won’t change
but the worst has happened
what more can I lose
existence persists
Slowly the ice feeling thaws
leaves me warmer in the hips than before
empowered
I devour
The worst fantasies of a succubus
He just doesn’t know he created one
powerful
rising like phoenix from the cold break down of my life
Taking chances
Taking who I want
How I want
When I want
I am described as amazing
leaving them breathless
begging for more
for me
I am sexuality
I am the part I always denied
It does not define me
but it is no longer hidden
Transformation
Edification
hidden power
unsheathed
released
I am the purest form of me
the rest was stripped away
September 2015
3 in the morning
I wonder how I got here
My life has slipped out of gear
Rolling along
Tires went flat
You let all the air out
It may never come back.
I cannot erase you
I could not dissuade you
I feel a fear you generated
I fear a feel you generated
I am broken
You just walked away
While some things hurt less
Some things burn intense
Fade away from my broken shell
My life is temporary hell
She was deluded
She was weak
She was stronger than you
But you got to choose
And you chose the painful way
Less for you
Path away, I cannot follow
There are no paths left
No paths right
No paths into the deep night
So a new trail I must blaze
Weakened skin, shell less
The trials of life cut deep
We had agreed
We made a pact
To harbor each other from the world
But my pain rotted from within
You only saw the weakest parts of me.
You only used me for over a year
Now I’m alone to heal
To deal
To crawl my way in a new vector
I cannot see where this leads
The old path was but a dream
Illusion-airy stitching dissolves at the seams
Garments she’d
The naked truth
You stepped away
Abandoned our dreams
One day I will regrow my shell
Discarded for your protection
Rails
I have no soul
I live by train
Riding rails
Only one way
Roundabout at the end
Same sites same sounds
Practically measured by pounds
Next stop artificial roots
Lost little puppies can’t find their way out
I conduct the train
Deep speeding
Blinded by fog and rain
The treasured storm nourishes the thirsty ground.
the weeds spread and pull
Rails threatened
The natural order is complete
Too late I pull the break
Too late I see the the railed lake
Too late to save myself
I slip under the water
Forever experiencing the ride
Back and forth
Stop and go
Twist at the end for more lost
Repeatedly transporting the same
The lost
The drowned.
Untitled Short
Two kiss the nips
Hands on my thighs
Legs spread wide.
Trust is only given when earned
Tied up, doing the tying, which to be preferred
Disengaged
Maximum Range
I sit
The earthly quiet quickens my pace
The sky shakes
It’s an extraordinary feel.
An explosion centered
Enter rapidly
just the tip
Then thrust to the balls
Trust, Lust, then Thrust.
Otherwise I Wouldn’t Feel
I want to scream
I hate you
I hate you
But I chock
Words so alien
Because in all truth
I still love you
Or the you I knew
The you I said yes to
The you I put my life on hold for
I don’t know if he exists
Or ever did
Was I false
Did I even know you?
I was deluded
I have been broken
I even feel the way you treated me
Maybe acceptably
If only you loved me again
Addiction is hard
I hate you
No
I hate me
I accepted you unconditionally
I loved you with everything
I gave you access to all of me
You broke me
I wish u could cut you out
Out of my body
Out of my mind
Let my blood wash away all that is you
All that is unclean
You were an unhappy parasite
Why did you torture me
Month into month
You ripped and shredded me
Gutted me
From the inside out
I want to cut you out of my skin
Out of my brain
Remove the rot that is you from my heart
Layer by layer peel you away
Extract my cancer
Leave me empty
Without you
Emptiness can be filled
But rot is hard to replace
Hard to clean
Hard to be unseen.
I feel dizziness
Numbness spreads
All it takes is the thought of you
No one else is empowered so
Why can I not hate you?
Why do I love you?
The false idol I made
An essence that doesn’t exist
But I would give anything
Just a few minutes
Your presence
Such joy
Followed by self loathing
A skill I have become well aquanted
Your brown eyes
Filled with hate
You must have hated me
Do you hate yourself yet
I was your burden
I
You
What does it matter
You staked my heart
What is left just rots
Perhaps, compost
I want to shed my pain
Like old skin
Instead I am wrapped
Trapped
Only comfort is the pain
Otherwise I wouldn’t feel
Otherwise I wouldn’t feel.
I Close My Eyes
I close my eyes
I don’t want these abnormal moments to catch a ride
I want to rid them of my memory
I can only control what I see.
I try to close my mind
The only option when your existence is all offending.
Persisting to exist should be my crime
Not allowing your personality to dominate mine.
I try not to hear
Your offense, taken easily
Your comments, so passive, almost nice
I swear those comments are your vice.
I try not to feel
The adrenaline washing over me
Skin burning. Lung yearning. Face numb.
Yes, it is my fault, I shouldn’t be so dumb.
I can only taste
My copper, but no penny
Lips between my teeth
This is the payment to lay at your feet.
I wish
That I could quit, be done, be gone
But you are the love of my life’s mom
Every time I think that, it goes off like a bomb.