I have written an update referring to this entry Here, 3 years later.
Openness is a difficult concept. It is both natural and unnatural. I suppose it’s the same as all forms of relationship constructs. Evolutionary there are benefits to both monogamy and non-monogamy, which can come in many forms.
Rather than sticking to the facts (I may include links in case anyone wants to look into them though), I’m going to discuss my experiences, thoughts and emotions. They are not necessarily consistent with the facts, I am human too.
My View
In theory I see little point to monogamy, while exclusivity can bring a peace of mind it also brings a struggle. My first relationship lasted over nine years, spanning five years while we were apart in colleges. Staying true absolutely had it’s struggles. Since he was my first relationship I did not know what it would be like to kiss another man. I college I met a peer who I fell in love with as well. I chose to stay loyal, but there were come close calls. Being entirely honest I slipped emotionally and had an emotional affair after a mutual friend in college passed suddenly.
Love + Love =! Null
I’ve never believed that love negated love. A Mother is in love (asexually) with her children and sexually with her husband (the ideal of course). But one can also love family and friends without anyone questioning it. Only when we look at someone’s primary partner do we believe love cancels out love. It’s bullshit.
If I never met anyone else I wanted to fuck in the next few months, I would be fine being monogamous for the rest of my life. But I don’t believe I have to. Every couple is different, without knowing more about someone I would not presume to tell you to be monogamous or not, what do I care?
Ground Rules
Ground Rules are the most important aspect of an open relationship, hell any relationship. Every couple defines cheating differently. I had an ex who thought friendly cuddles with the opposite sex was cheating. Another thought visiting an asexual friend alone was a betrayal. Not all definitions of cheating make sense to other people (that second one, I will never understand).
The following rules are expressly defined for Vance, by me, Ava.
My Non-Monogamy Rules for Vance
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Complete Honesty
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I am usually only bothered by the feeling of missing out. As a scientist I can’t stand not knowing something, especially when I can tell it’s being kept from me. To prevent this emotional reaction, Vance needs to be completely candid with me. This way I can enjoy his excitement, his pleasures and experiences as well.
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Law of Undiminished Sex
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I’m not worried about anyone stealing away Vance, we have a very solid relationship. However, I do not want our sex lives to diminish, this should enhance our lives together. Perhaps provide something I cannot offer, like a real cock or kink I can’t wrap my head around (none so far, but always possible). I expect to be Vance’s primary, his first choice, as long as we are not in a poly-fidelity or traid relationship. He expects the same from me.
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Respect A Boundary
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It’s a big deal to me if I set a limit. I am pretty open if you can make a logical argument, or I have no logical argument to stand on. But if I do say, please don’t have sexual contact with anyone this weekend, I expect there to be no slip ups. (I will come back to this one)
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Limit Casual Contact
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I’m far more comfortable with the idea of Vance fooling around with a friend, say Jay, then a random stranger. A stranger’s health is unknown, emotional state is unknown, and level of their future presence in our life is unpredictable. This is full sexual contact though. I think if Vance had a few drinks and made out with someone at a party, as long as there was no drama, it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve never done this myself, but I can see how it could happen.
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I can Add Anyone To a DO NOT FUCK List (DNFL)
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I reserve the right to exclude someone from sexual contact within our relationship. For example, my sisters are on that list, which is fairly obvious. I have some friends that I don’t think could emotionally handle having a friend with benefits or playmate. At this point no one aside from family is explicitly on my DNFL, but I’m sure we will meet people to be added.
Growing Pains
No relationship is perfectly smooth. People screw up, or emotional boundaries pushed. Ours is no exception. Dealing with the pitfalls is entirely up to the couple. This is a painful aspect of our journey together.
The first weekend after Jay was welcomed into our bedroom, Vance and Jay went on a hike. They have been hiking buddies a while, and met up with a mutual friend there too. In the interest of the Law of Undiminished Sex, I explicitly requested that this weekend was just for us. I specified no sexual contact with anyone besides me this weekend, knowing Vance would be seeing Jay. I only told this to Vance, I don’t expect Jay to police Vance’s behavior.
Vance however decided to ignore my request and during the drive from the hike to Vance’s car, Jay was fondling Vance’s cock. If he follows the first rule, Vance should have told me right away. That is not the case. The next day, Sunday, we sit down to discuss the rules.
Rules Rule…
I point out that if Vance is seeing Jay he must specify if there is a chance of sexual contact. I had already requested that they keep sexual contact one on one limited to once a week. Vance tries to argue that it should be okay if he discloses after, that he shouldn’t share his plans. After a moment going back and forth. I look him square in the eyes and ask him if he had sexual contact with Jay the day before.
Vance owned up to it, but tried to argue it should be a legal move. There is a lot of back and forth over the day, I will admit I cried a bit. It continued a bit into Monday, I had a discussion with Lenore that aided my understanding. Explaining the situation out loud to someone else helped my brain sort through it.
Pitfall Conclusions
To understand my ability to come to terms with the fact that Vance did cheat, let me explain some discussions we previously had.
Vance was excited that to me cheating wouldn’t be an extinction (relationship death) level event. He had never cheated on anyone else he has dated. We recently figured out he’s a people please-r, he will discount his own needs to do what he believes others want or need of him. He considered the rules while being fondled, and felt guilty. He repeatedly said how he would never cheat again now that he knows how much pain it caused me.
My conclusion: subconsciously he was boundary testing our relationship. He wanted to see if we did have the strength to handle it. He also wanted to both please himself and Jay.
Calling Bullshit? Don’t blame you. I could be the fool, just waiting to hurt a second time. I wouldn’t be here still if I believed that. He has every intention of keeping his word, but I’m still cautious. Not sure how long I’ll be a bit gun shy, but I have good reason. If I ended the relationship now I would never feel at peace about it. Sometimes removing the chance of regret is worth getting hurt a second time rather than constant self doubt.
Last Thoughts
I need to acknowledge that Jay was indeed clueless to the rule and felt horrible for his role in the cheating. I must insist that I in no way blame Jay, Vance acted as though he had permission. This means Vance lied to Jay and myself. As I stated, I want to trust my partner, not have others policing his behavior.
At this point we are only a short time into our non-monogamy life style. Realistically only about two weeks into practicing non-monogamy. We will continually check in with each other. We also plan on regularly keeping you posted dear readers.