FemDom: First Steps Over Vance

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Vance loves the idea of me being his femdom, and I’m just learning. He and I, Ava, are both switches in BDSM

BDSM: Acronym standing for: Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM). It’s can also be phrased Bondage Dominance Sadism Masochism, this is a link to the BDSM Test online, which widely considered accurate for those in the community.

As switches we can play either the dom (dominant) or the sub (submissive) role, sometimes having a preference for one over the other. I never would have expected to be interested in being a femdom (female Dominant), but recent changes show me otherwise.

With acceptance of our sexualities both Vance and I experience new desires. When we first met, Vance said only once he was more submissive, but quickly changed his tune believing I wanted him to take on the dominant role. My dominant side began coming out as I began confronting my emotional abuse. My bisexuality also came to light in this process. Since Vance contacted Jay, indulging his bisexuality for the first time in five years he realized he is more submissive than he expected. Revealing his shift in desires, we reevaluated our fantasies to see how compatible our sexual tastes still were.

Compatibility

Vance and I both took the BDSM test. I like playing with numbers, so let’s do some comparisons!

There I am aligning the qualities by either mutual or complimentary (switch & switch being mutual, Dominant & Submissive being complimentary).
My (Ava) stats are first followed by Vance’s stats.

Numbers Game

    • 99% Switch……98% Switch…..1%

Obviously we both enjoy changing roles, however our roles do not split quite as cleanly.

    • 98% Non-monogamist…..95% Non-monogamist ….3%

Neither of us see the point of monogamy.

    • 97% Voyeur…..88% Exhibitionist …..9%

I apparently like to watch, which is obvious from my post, Men Together: Voyeurism.

    • 94% Rope bunny ……76% Rigger …..18%

I love to be tied up, and Vance is good about indulging me. There is a slight gap in enthusiasm, however we a both very GGG [Good Giving and Game as defined by Mr. Dan Savage].

    • 94% Exhibitionist….90% Voyeur …..4%

We are nearly the same here. I am more than an exhibitionist than he is, but tapping into that side of me was the inspiration for this blog.

    • 91% Rigger…..98% Rope bunny …..7%

I definitely enjoy tying up Vance, and he loves it.

    • 90% Experimentalist…..94% Experimentalist…..4%

I doubt I could ever find anyone better to experiment sexually with as my dream partner really is Vance.

    • 79% Dominant…….86% Submissive…….7%
    • 78% Submissive……63% Dominant…….15%

Across these two, my Dominant side is nearly equal to my submissive, which it wasn’t always the case.

    • The Mid range Matches

    • 46% Master/Mistress…..20% Slave ……26%
    • 33% Slave…….36% Master/Mistress …..3%
    • 31% Degradee…….33% Degrader ……2%

    • A Few Larger Gaps

    • 30% Degrader……57% Degradee …..27%

I really want to learn how to do this. He typically likes to be told he’s being used, and I feel like that’s just the tip of the iceberg so exploration will help!

    • 28% Brat tamer……46% Brat …..18%

Vance’s brat tendencies kinda drive me crazy when I’m in control, I get a little too annoyed so that’s something I’m working on too.

    • 25% Masochist……37% Sadist…..12%

The only potential painful situation I enjoy the though of is candle wax. I have dabbled with it alone in my past. We recently invested in the low temperature candles to experiment with, and I am very excited. Don’t worry I will share the results, the good, bad or ugly.

    • My Favorite Values, Vanilla Rating

    • 16% Vanilla……13% Vanilla……3%

My favorite match of ours, how we both get so bored with Vanilla so quickly.  I rarely feel like my brain is fully engaged when I am just having vanilla sex. I need to role play something in my head to be in moment, but this has upset partners in the past.

    • 16% Sadist……68% Masochist ……42%

This is our largest gap. I am getting more in touch with a possibly sadistic side, so I’ve had a few thoughts recently. I think with a little exploration this number will go up.

  • The Stuff We don’t care for

  • 15% Owner…….2% Pet …….13%
  • 13% Daddy/Mommy……4% Girl/Boy ……9%
  • 9% Brat…….26% Brat tamer ……17%
  • 6% Ageplayer……2% Ageplayer ……4%
  • 5% Primal (Hunter)…..2% Primal (Prey)…..4%
  • 1% Primal (Prey)…….6% Primal (Hunter) ……5%
  • 1% Pet………4% Owner ……3%
  • 1% Girl/Boy……..6% Daddy/Mommy ……5%

Learning To FemDom

First tactic is to watch and analyze porn together, can be any theme.  The key is to be open to hearing the response my partner has while keeping my own judgement detached. If I notice something particularly provocative, could be positive, neutral, or negative, I will pause the video. Giving me a moment to discuss the reaction with Vance. Look at the scene, maybe it’s a turn off, but one thing that was said or done aroused you.

Personally I have never understood humiliation. Femdom is classically built on humiliation, but most of those acts are set up for the man to be in the feminine role. I have no patience for the idea that a person doing an activity is less for the activity being associated with the typically female role. I ascribe to the notion “I am woman hear me roar,” as I am powerful, sexual, intellectual, and bisexual. Loving myself, I demand love in return. Not from anyone, love has to be earned, much like respect.

Introductory Conclusions on FemDom

I am a Fucking Goddess, both a Goddess, and a Goddess of Fucking. I know my love’s desires, and I bring out a fire of passion in him. Embracing my true self not only unleashes my sexual confidence but seeds a confidence in every aspect of my life. I love being in control of the pleasure in the room, as if I channel it through my body. Every touch, every sensation, electric and pleasurable, my decision. Every orgasm, ejaculating or dry, my decision.

I am a Femdom, and Vance is mine. Pleasure he gives me, I return to him threefold. The return of pleasure might not happen at that moment, however I do believe this is true. Since we have started edging and having his dry orgasms, I think his rate of orgasms for week has surpassed mine. Am I upset? Hell NO. I’m proud, extremely proud of our sex life.