First things first, I will be going over some of my first experiences with my sexuality. This post is an overview. More details will be in my about page. As I write more up, I will include links from this post to the times referenced.
Masturbation
I began willingly touching myself around the age of 11. I say willingly because of the abuse my sister put me through, Bitch had me experiment with touching myself in front of her, in an attempt to “help” me. She just wanted to share what she enjoyed doing.
Fortunately my brain quickly blocked out that memory, so I was able to still have access to some of my sexuality. My first fantasies included my own versions of tentacle porn, rape, bondage, and group sex mainly. I seldom had a romantic thought about sex, it was usually a power play of some kind.
Sexual dreams for the first 15 years I was sexual were very rare, now I know this results from the abuse.
Heterosexual Contact
Until my first date at 17 years old, I definitely self sabotaged my romantic life. While I would day dream about kissing, craving my first kiss from a boy at the age of 3, I was very rigid around men. My sexuality is precious to me, not my virginity, just my sexual side. Defensiveness is often a result of abuse, so no shock.
Enter my first “lover,” an accurate though silly term for my abusive ex. We had a long committed relationship that I try not to regret now. When we met, I had never had a kiss with a man, and I had mono. So we dated but remained completely chaste for approximately four months, when my symptoms subsided. My first kiss, a simple peck, no tongue, was very sweet and everything I had hoped for. We were in love at the time of our first kiss.
I enjoyed pacing ourselves for several reasons. One, I was in high school and didn’t want to regret anything. Two, I wanted to enjoy each new discovery and really explore it before moving on. Three, he was deeply repressed.
Fighting Repressed Sexuality
One night on the phone I told him I masturbated, he yelled at me. Not the typical response of a teenage/young adult man. He calmed down later, but prior to meeting me, he had honestly never touched himself. He admitted to leaving the room if his friends discussed masturbation in any form when he was in high school. It made him deeply uncomfortable. Upside is he didn’t push me. He was on the safer side for someone who was deeply repressing their sexual abuse.
I had to talk him into me giving him our first blow job. He was extremely nervous about it, but I insisted we try as I always dreamed of blow jobs. He wore odd boxers the day I blew him, but quickly changed his mind decidedly enjoying blow jobs.
Penetration
I planned on staying a virgin until I graduated High School. Not because I believed it was a moral imperative but rather as a distinction that I wasn’t like my southern hypocritical peers. However a few short weeks before graduation, just before the AP exams as well, my life and my family’s life changed forever.
My cousin was murdered when I was 18. The details of that are not as important here, as the fact that the only person who I could lean on throughout the grieving process was my boyfriend. Friends were focused on the end of the year and emotionally shutting down to prepare our inevitable departure from the small town. Mother, and my two sisters were either busy with college or away visiting the family for the funeral.
Father, he and I are too much alike with grieving to be supportive of each other. So I turned to my lover, and about a week after my cousin was murdered I was no longer a virgin. My first time? I can sum it up in one word: Pain. I don’t plan on talking about it too much, but I have fibromyalgia. This gives me incredible hypersensitivity at times or depending on location, my genitals are hypersensitive. Upside, the rest of sex, I’m VERY responsive. Downside, well within 30 seconds of full penetration my body went into shock from the pain.
We stopped very quickly, I bled very badly (I was already having my period anyway, reduced my fear of pregnancy), and my body immediately went into shock. It took probably six months for sex to stop being painful, but fortunately I only went into shock the once. The frequency did not cause the pain, we started dating long distance shortly after my graduation, so sex was infrequent.